Blog Post

What 2017 Taught Me

Recently I posted a question on Facebook asking everyone how their 2017 has been. And for the most part, everyone’s responses were overwhelmingly positive. Mostly everyone had a great 2017. I was so happy to see that.
Well, I never shared how my year has been. 2017 for me has been a year of major transformation. The year I thought I was going to have, didn't go as I planned. What’s the saying, “Make plans and watch God laugh”, that’s how my year went?

I had great projections on producing more projects and having my show run here in Atlanta. Needless to say, life took a drastic turn and my plans didn't happen. I guess life had to grow me up more. From business failures to losing my car, almost my home. My identity was stolen. My business took nearly a $20k hit. I struggled to keep our roof over our heads, lights on, water running, food on the table. I also had someone profit over $15k by using my name and scammed me out of more money because of trusting the wrong people, by being under duress and desperation. At points, I was so low that suicide was the heavily an option for me. But I didn't take that way out because I realized through all my pain and struggle, that I still had something to live for, even if it wasn’t myself. At times the only thing I could do was write and cry and cry and cry some more. I realized that praying for it to stop wasn’t enough. I had to pray for Grace & Mercy too. I had to humble myself and get back to the very basics of life. None of the “extras” that I enjoyed. For the last 5-6 months, I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing, sweating and afraid. These were attacks of anxiety night after night. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and it was suffocating me every night for 2-3 hours at a time. I would wake exhausted because my nights were sleepless.

If it weren’t for my family helping me through, I don’t know where I would’ve been. It was months before most of them even knew what was going on. I was too proud and ashamed to share. I just distanced myself and stayed quiet and suffered in silence. All I would say to myself at times was, I want to get through this so I can share my story in hopes that it would help someone else. In the midst of all this, I still had to put on a brave face for my children and not let them see the level of pain and struggle I was in. Life made me want to run away from it and hide from society.
I would get frustrated with myself as I scrolled social media and it seemed like everyone was living their best life. Like, if I just “think positive thoughts” I can experience the same thing. It actually made me feel worse. Like there was something that I was doing wrong. Silly thoughts would enter my head like, is there a magic pill that I missed taking? Why aren't these things happening to me?

I read books, listened to audios and they all said the same thing, think positive and this could be you too. Was I projecting negativity into the universe? Truth be told, it was hard trying to think positive when so many things negative were happening so fast beyond my control. I had to realize, I wasn’t in control. So I gave in to the lesson and prayed for the strength to get through.

Often times black women don’t share our stories of pain. We are very silent and we cry in the dark, alone. Yet in public, we're all smiles. We are supposed to be strong and make it through because we come from a people who are survivors. But when no one shares their struggles of what they’ve experienced and how they made it through, how are we supposed to help the others who are silently struggling too?

I would be in tears asking God/Universe to allow me to get through whatever this was so I can be a testimony. I didn't ask “why me” because I knew I wasn’t exempt from life’s lessons. However, I did pray to learn the lesson so that I wouldn’t repeat this level of devastation. I also had to remember that there are people out there going through worse. This made me focus on what I did have. I had my children. We had our health and we never went hungry or without our home. When I began to look for the positive, it was there in abundance.

I have to be honest, it’s not over. I still have my bad days, but I'm more optimistic about my situation and the future than I was 3 months ago. A dear friend asked me, “What do you need”? Naturally, I said nothing because once again we’re taught not to share with others our pain and struggle. Then she re-asked her question and said,”Nothing? What do you need from the Universe, God?” When she put it like that, I thought carefully before I responded and my answer was” Relief. Monetary relief. Mental relief and relief from anxiety. Then opportunity.” She said, “Focus on that”. And that’s what I've been doing, focusing on that. Because what we focus on, grows. Viola Davis, my favorite actress said, “The only thing that separates black women from everyone else is opportunity”. This is why it’s so important to reach back and help others, like yourself.

Throughout my 2017, I have missed producing and touching people’s lives through my art. I write and produce the Black Woman’s experience in this thing we call life. I have missed my audience and making people smile, laugh and think. Sharing our stories so that the world can see us through our heart and soul. And not this warped media image. We are the foundation of humanity. I have missed giving talented people the opportunity to shine in their God-given craft. I’ve missed producing. Putting a project together from start to finish and watching it come to life. I've missed it all. I just couldn’t move. Life had to learn me more and I had to accept that.

I'm excited to see what 2018 will bring. I'm open to the opportunities that the universe has for me. I look forward to bringing you great work that makes an impact and leaves an imprint on your soul/spirit.

I want to thank my family and friends who have stood by me through this period of hardship, pain, and growth. I hope I can make you proud of what you’ve invested in me. Thank you for your love and patience.

I have so many projects and can't wait to release and get out of my head, lol. I believe 2017 had to grow me up because what God has in store, the old Tracie wasn’t ready.